rose bushes

I pruned the rose bushes this afternoon. I like doing it early because I don't have to cut off so much that is green and growing. Mind you, I cut off the potential but that is easier than the real leaves. Roses are something I would like to grow well, but I don't. So be it, I refuse to spend all the hours necessary to do a good job. I like what I have and they bloom to a degree. Roses bloom better when pruned rather harshley. Kind of like people. I think some of the most beautiful people are those that have been pruned the most. I know I am always improved by a spell of hard things. Interesting how we grow kind of like Roses, so with that in mind, why don't I embrace my hardships? Because they are hard, dang it! And hard is just not fun to deal with. There has been a lot of personal pruning in my world and it seems to be going on and on. I know it will make me a better and stronger person, but I get tired of the cuts even if they are for my own good.

I was supposed to fly to Salt Lake to see Lawrence, Michelle and Nancy this weekend but things just didn't work out. There is a funneral in the ward and everyone was having issues that I would not be there to pull things together. It is nice to be needed but I would like some freedom eventually. I was really looking forward to being off Island and in the real world, but instead I am home pruning the roses and making dinner. Linda and Curtis are coming over so that is a good thing. I love feeding Curtis, he loves to eat and I love to have some appreciate what I cook. Larry seems to prefer corn flakes to my food and that is hard sometimes. But Curtis, he loves food as much as I do. Mind you, both of us are a wee bit fat but he is a good fat when it comes to pleasing his mother-in-law!

Today is also the last day for work at the county for Larry. Retirement starts Monday. May I say that I am terrified of this. He doesn't seem to like me and my world very much and having him around and underfoot all the time just sounds awful. Mind you, I probably will never see him but the hours will be crazy and I have grown accustomed to having time where I dont have to be careful of his needs and wants. It will be a hard adjustment for me....I think he will handle it better.

Friday ends another week

And so ends another week. It has been a good week but Friday always leaves me feeling a little disappointed. I enjoy what I do during the week. I enjoy working with the young people that I invest so much of my time with. But Friday always feels like there should be something special about the day. And, truth be told, there rarely is something special about it. It is usually just another night of being alone. Sometimes I spend the night with the computer, sometimes I read and/or watch television but that about is it. I remember the days when I would go out to a concert, to be with friends and just to relax and celebrate the end of a week and the beginning of a weekend. That is eons ago now, but I still remember and I still wish I could have some of the things I left behind. Being married to Larry is a lonely thing and Friday's make me feel the emptiness more than any other day I think. It is enough to make a person not like weekends!

I remmber as a young person not liking summer vacation. You would get out of school and then go home and work. I never saw any of my friends from the day school got out until the 4th of July, and then not again until the fair and the beginning of another school year. I used to dislike that so much. Always left me wishing school would go on year round so that I could see friends and have interactions.

One would think that kind of beginning would leave me in good stead to fend off the loneliness and it does most of the time. It is just the times when I can not muster the strength to look at another hour alone.

That is pretty much why I gained weight. I found a companion in food. I could eat and it made the pain a little less obvious. But now I am trying so hard to loose the weight and these long lonely evenings make it even more difficult. I do OK most of the time but not well enough to have the weight come off quickly. A pound a week seems to be my lot. But I feel better now than I did 40 pounds ago. I can move much easier and that is a good thing. Doesn't help the lonely times but at least I feel better.

Enough....I will go read until I am tired and then go to bed.